5 minute read
It’s common for folks with ADHD, ASD and PTSD to develop coping mechanisms that can sometimes feel a little out of sync in certain interactions. Let’s explore some ways you can cultivate more mindful listening and responding.
Mindful Listening Techniques
Cultivate Focused Attention: Before someone starts speaking, take a conscious breath to center yourself. Try to minimize distractions around you, even if it’s just a subtle shift in your posture or gaze to signal your focus. Think of it as preparing a calm space in your mind to receive their words.
Scenario: You’re at a family dinner, and your cousin starts sharing a story about their recent vacation. Before they begin, you take a deep breath, put your phone away, and turn your body towards them to show you’re fully present.
Listen to Understand, Not to Respond: This is a subtle but powerful shift. Instead of immediately thinking about how you relate or what you want to say next, make your primary goal truly understanding their perspective, emotions, and the core message they’re conveying.
Scenario: A friend is venting about a stressful day at work. Instead of thinking about a similar experience you had, you focus on their words and emotions, nodding and making eye contact to show you’re listening
Notice ‘Interrupty’ Urges: Pay attention to the internal nudges to jump in with your own experience, reframe, or validate. Acknowledge these urges without immediately acting on them. Think of them as little thought bubbles you can observe without popping right away.
Scenario: During a team meeting, a colleague shares an idea that you immediately want to add to. Instead of jumping in, you acknowledge your urge to speak but wait until they finish, allowing them to fully express their thoughts.
Use Non-Verbal Cues Mindfully: Show your engagement through eye contact (when comfortable), nodding, leaning slightly forward with open body language. These cues can encourage the speaker and reinforce your attentiveness without interrupting their flow.
Embrace Silence: Resist the urge to fill every pause. Sometimes, silence is where deeper reflection happens for both you and the speaker. Allow a few moments after they finish speaking before you formulate your response. This gives you time to process and choose your words intentionally.
Scenario: After a friend shares something deeply personal, resist the urge to respond immediately. Allow a few moments of silence, giving them space to reflect and showing that you’re processing their words thoughtfully. It’s not easy, count your breaths and know it’s okay to feel awkward in silence.
Practice Active Listening Prompts (Sparingly): Use phrases like “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…” to confirm your understanding after they’ve finished speaking a complete thought. This shows you’re engaged without interrupting their train of thought.
Mindful Responding Strategies
Pause and Reflect: Before responding, take a brief pause. Even a few seconds can make a big difference. Use this time to mentally summarize what you’ve heard and identify the core of their message and feelings.
Scenario: Someone asks for your opinion on a sensitive topic. Before responding, you take a brief pause to summarize what they’ve said in your mind, consider your response carefully. It’s also okay to say you don’t know enough about something to have a viewpoint.
Prioritize Understanding Over Agreement: Your aim isn’t always to agree or offer a solution or explanation. Sometimes, the most supportive response is simply acknowledging their experience and feelings without immediately relating it to yourself or trying to fix it.
Scenario: A family member expresses frustration about a decision you made. Instead of defending your choice, you acknowledge their feelings by saying, ‘I understand that this situation is frustrating for you.’ Validate without a need to explain.
Validate Selectively and Briefly: While validation is important, you can practice offering concise validation. Instead of lengthy explanations, try short phrases like “That sounds really tough,” or “I can see how that would be frustrating.”
Delay Sharing Your Own Experience: If you feel the urge to share a personal story, ask yourself: “Is this truly helpful and relevant to their current experience, or am I shifting the focus?” If you decide to share, wait until they feel heard and understood. You could even ask if it’s okay for you to share something from your experience before sharing.
Scenario: A friend talks about their recent breakup. You feel the urge to share a similar experience but decide to wait until they feel fully heard. You might say, “Thank you for sharing that. If it’s okay, I have something that resonates a little, but I want to make sure you are interested in hearing about someone else’s stuff right now.”
Focus on Their Feelings: When reflecting back, prioritize their emotions. Instead of just restating the facts, try reflecting the feeling you sense. For example, “It sounds like you’re feeling really overwhelmed by this.”
Practice Reframing Internally: You can still use your reframing skills for your own understanding, but practice holding back on immediately sharing the reframe unless they explicitly ask for a different perspective. Someone’s perspective may negative but allowing them to be where they are at is supportive.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If you’re unsure about something, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to elaborate, such as “Could you tell me more about …?” or “What was that like for you?” This demonstrates your interest and helps you understand better.
Self-Compassion and Patience
Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Changing ingrained communication patterns and becoming conscious of automatic brain responses takes time and conscious effort. You might slip up sometimes, and that’s okay. Notice it without judgment and gently redirect your focus in future interactions. Celebrate the small steps you take towards more mindful communication.
Experiment and Observe
Try incorporating one or two of these strategies at a time and observe how they feel and how others respond. Pay attention to what feels authentic and effective for you.