My recent birthday became a moment of personal reflection. For years, I’ve struggled with the day, often wanting it to pass with little notice. I observe myself caught in a deep duality: the desire for the day to simply pass, and the innate, human yearning to be recognized and celebrated.

An inner truth revealed Itself when a friend invited me to a community pizza party. Their genuine excitement to celebrate my life made me reflect on why my birthday always felt difficult. I realized that, even before I was born, my nervous system had associated my birthday with distress. This insight helped me understand the roots of my feelings and led to a deeper personal reflection

This year, an important shift has taken place. Instead of focusing on celebrating my birth, a moment my nervous system was never able to embrace, I can more consciously honour the life I have carefully pieced together: the lessons learned and the ongoing, determined effort to show up for myself, day after day. This is the story of allowing the avalanche of early pain to give way to self-acceptance.

The Origin: A Nervous System Wired for Distress

The foundation of my complex trauma was laid in utero, a process entirely outside of my awareness or participation. My biological mother was carrying a child – me – whose existence created complex circumstance and emotional challenges. I can only imagine the conflicting emotions surrounding her desire for her husband to accept the child of another man and his demand for adoption to be the only way forward.

The trauma began with the constant distress that centred in denial of the complex stressors. My mother’s entire pregnancy went largely unacknowledged by anyone but her best friend. My nervous system, developing in this environment, received constant chemical messages of danger, conflict, and rejection. The urge to hide and be small on my birthday is not a character flaw, it is a sophisticated, trauma-informed survival response.

As Gabor Maté often teaches: “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

The physical trauma body and thoughts produced by my internal wiring act to protect me.

The Invisible Hijack: When Skills Meet the Body’s Memory

This physiological wiring explains the ongoing, visceral reality of complex trauma. The pizza party turned out to be a perfect case study.

I made the decision to go, even though I knew someone would be there whose presence could activate my internal defenses. The knowledge about his past actions toward women represents the exploitative nature of men in my past.

Still, I chose to go, determined to be present in my own growth and fortitude. I felt prepared for this specific, visceral provocation knowing that facing this kind of discomfort can be part of participating socially. Despite thinking I was prepared, this layered on top of the deep wiring from my birth, caused my nervous system to be hijacked.

The experience was profoundly undermining. The trauma arrived as a debilitating, internal state, confirming the truth that awareness is not always immunity, especially when a known representation of past harm is unavoidable.

It was frustrating to observe myself in the freeze response while it showed me how important it is to be gentle with myself. I realize that growth sometimes means facing hard moments and letting myself feel what comes up, instead of fighting it.

The Tool of Perseverance: Personal Reflection Navigating the Duality

This ongoing emotional work requires immense energy, and I often sit with a deep feeling of resentment for the energy cost. I accept that, just for this moment, it can feel defeating to know that while the trauma doesn’t win often, when it does activate, the result is temporarily disheartening.

I’ve learned that the key to managing the duality of wanting to hide and wanting to celebrate is not to resist the activation, but to embrace surrender to the vulnerability and reality of what is happening.

To deepen this shift and sustain the effort, I use these personal reflection points:

Rewiring the Internal Protector (Physical Facts): I understand my internal wiring has survival mechanisms meant to protect me and I must gently give my past trauma patterning new instructions. I can acknowledge its effort while moving from fear-based protection to compassionate, present moment solutions.

Memories Sewn Together (Life in Action): To truly celebrate my life, I can focus on the continuous achievement of my existence. Asking what is one significant memory thread from the past year that required effort, honesty and unconditional willingness to feel and learn? Reflection helping me see my perseverance in action.

Defining ‘Life-Day’ (Celebrating Self): The focus is no longer on a potentially painful day of origin, but on the ongoing quality of my life. Intentional actions to highlight a ‘Life-Day’ that honours my continuous existence and authentic spirit that this year included the simple observation of doing nothing but mindfully watching the clouds as the sky turned from sunny. I celebrate the fact that I have survived the complexities of my life and developed the wisdom to tend to the oldest, most wounded part of myself. Every single day, I choose to recognize the fortitude it may take to be here, now, one potentially activated moment at a time.